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Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I know I need to change, but I just can’t seem to do it”?
Perhaps you want to stop drinking, reduce smoking, manage your anger, become more consistent with treatment, improve your relationships, or develop healthier habits. You may genuinely want things to be different—and yet, another part of you keeps pulling in the opposite direction.
This internal conflict can be confusing. It may look like procrastination, lack of discipline, denial, or even unwillingness to change. But psychologically, there may be something more complex happening.
This experience is known as ambivalence: simultaneously experiencing reasons to change and reasons to remain the same.
Ambivalence is not necessarily a sign that someone is weak, resistant, or unmotivated. In many situations, it is a normal part of the process of meaningful change.
Understanding this conflict is one of the central ideas behind Motivational Enhancement Therapy (MET), a therapeutic approach that helps people explore their own motivations for change rather than simply being told what they should do.
Ambivalence occurs when two competing perspectives coexist.
One part of you may say:
“I want to change.”
Another may respond:
“But this behaviour helps me cope.”
Both can feel true at the same time.
For example, someone struggling with alcohol use may understand the impact it is having on their health, relationships, and work. At the same time, alcohol may provide temporary relief from stress, loneliness, social anxiety, or emotional discomfort.
So the person is not necessarily choosing between good and bad. They may be choosing between two things that serve different psychological purposes.
One side values long-term wellbeing.
The other values immediate relief, familiarity, comfort, belonging, or escape.
This is why simply giving someone more information does not always produce behavioural change.
We often assume that knowledge leads directly to action:
“If I know something is harmful, I should stop doing it.”
Human behaviour is rarely that straightforward.
People make decisions based not only on information but also on emotions, habits, rewards, relationships, beliefs, identity, environment, and previous experiences.
Consider someone who knows that excessive screen use is affecting their sleep but continues scrolling late at night.
They may simultaneously think:
“I need to sleep earlier.”
“I have to wake up early tomorrow.”
“But this is the only time I get to relax.”
“I don’t want the day to end yet.”
“Just another ten minutes.”
The problem is not necessarily a lack of awareness.
There is a conflict between immediate and long-term needs.
The immediate reward may win repeatedly—even when the person genuinely wants a different outcome.
In clinical settings, people who are uncertain about change can sometimes be labelled as “resistant.”
But ambivalence and resistance are not necessarily the same thing.
Resistance often implies opposition to change or to the therapeutic process. Ambivalence is different. A person may want change while simultaneously having understandable reasons for not wanting it.
This distinction matters.
Imagine telling someone:
“You need to stop drinking. You already know it’s damaging your life.”
The person may already know this.
Repeating the message may make them defensive rather than motivated.
A more useful conversation might be:
“What do you like about drinking, and what concerns you about it?”
Now the person has an opportunity to examine both sides of the conflict.
That is an important principle of Motivational Enhancement Therapy.
Ambivalence often develops because behaviours have both costs and perceived benefits.
A behaviour may be harmful in the long term but rewarding in the short term.
For example:
| Behaviour | Short-term perceived benefit | Long-term cost |
|---|---|---|
| Smoking | Relief, stimulation, routine | Health consequences, dependence |
| Alcohol use | Relaxation, social connection | Relationship, health and occupational difficulties |
| Avoidance | Immediate reduction in anxiety | Anxiety may become stronger over time |
| Excessive gaming | Escape, achievement, connection | Sleep and functioning may suffer |
| Emotional eating | Comfort and temporary relief | Health concerns and guilt |
| Procrastination | Temporary escape from discomfort | Stress and reduced confidence |
The behaviour persists partly because it is doing something for the person.
This does not mean the behaviour is healthy or beneficial overall. It means that understanding its function can be important if we want to change it.
A useful clinical question is:
“What does this behaviour do for you?”
Rather than only asking:
“Why do you keep doing it?”
The first question is less judgmental and often more revealing.
A person who repeatedly avoids social situations may not simply be “antisocial.” Avoidance may temporarily protect them from embarrassment or fear of rejection.
Someone who repeatedly checks their phone may not simply lack self-control. The behaviour may provide stimulation, distraction, connection, or relief from boredom.
Someone who uses substances may not simply be “making bad choices.” Substance use may have become a way of regulating difficult emotions.
Understanding the function of a behaviour does not justify it.
It helps explain why changing it can be difficult.
When we care about someone, our natural response may be to persuade them.
We give advice.
We list consequences.
We explain what they are doing wrong.
We tell them what they should do.
Sometimes this helps. But excessive pressure can create another psychological response: defensiveness.
When people feel that their autonomy is being threatened, they may become more determined to defend their existing choices.
This can create a frustrating cycle:
Concern → pressure → defensiveness → argument → more pressure → more defensiveness.
Motivational approaches attempt to interrupt this cycle.
Instead of arguing for change, the therapist helps the person explore their own reasons for change.
One of the most important distinctions in behaviour change is between external and internal motivation.
External motivation might sound like:
“My family is forcing me to stop.”
“My doctor told me I have to.”
“Everyone keeps telling me to change.”
“I’m doing this because I don’t want to disappoint people.”
Internal motivation sounds different:
“I want to be healthier.”
“I want to be more present for my children.”
“I don’t want this behaviour controlling my life.”
“I want to feel more like myself again.”
External pressure can sometimes initiate change.
But internal motivation can make change more personally meaningful and sustainable.
Motivational Enhancement Therapy focuses on helping individuals identify and strengthen these personally meaningful reasons.
MET is generally a structured, collaborative approach that draws heavily on principles of motivational interviewing.
Rather than positioning the therapist as someone who simply gives instructions, therapy creates space for the individual to examine their own thoughts, values, concerns, and goals.
The therapist may explore questions such as:
What concerns you about your current behaviour?
What do you enjoy or value about it?
What problems has it created?
What would you like your life to look like in the future?
How does your current behaviour fit—or conflict—with those goals?
What might be one realistic step toward change?
The objective is not to force a decision.
It is to help the person develop greater clarity, readiness, and confidence.
One powerful way of working with ambivalence is to examine the gap between current behaviour and personal values.
Imagine someone who says:
“My family is extremely important to me.”
They also recognise that their substance use is affecting their relationship with their partner and children.
The therapeutic conversation may help them explore the discrepancy—not by judging them, but by allowing them to reflect on it.
This can lead to a meaningful question:
“Is the way I am living consistent with the person I want to be?”
Sometimes motivation emerges not from fear, but from reconnecting with what matters.
A common misconception is that people need to become completely motivated before they can begin changing.
In reality, motivation can fluctuate.
You may feel committed to change on Monday and uncertain by Friday.
That does not necessarily mean you have failed.
Behaviour change is often a process rather than a single decision.
There may be progress, setbacks, reconsideration, experimentation, and renewed commitment.
The goal is not to eliminate every doubt before taking action.
Sometimes the goal is to move forward while acknowledging the doubt.
If you recognise yourself in this pattern, try replacing self-criticism with curiosity.
Instead of asking:
“Why can’t I just change?”
consider asking:
“What makes changing difficult for me?”
Then explore both sides honestly.
Ask yourself:
What do I gain from continuing this behaviour?
What does it cost me?
What am I afraid might happen if I change?
What would improve if I changed?
Which values are being affected?
What would I want to be different six months from now?
What is one small step I am genuinely willing to take?
You do not need to pretend that the behaviour has no benefits.
You also do not need to deny its consequences.
The goal is to understand the conflict clearly enough to make a more deliberate choice.
Ambivalence becomes particularly important when a behaviour is significantly affecting someone’s mental health, physical health, relationships, work, or daily functioning.
This may include concerns related to:
Alcohol or substance use
Smoking or nicotine dependence
Compulsive or problematic behaviours
Treatment adherence
Anxiety and avoidance
Anger and emotional regulation
Lifestyle and health behaviour change
Repeated patterns that someone wants to change but struggles to control
A clinical psychologist or psychiatrist can help determine what is maintaining the behaviour and whether an approach such as Motivational Enhancement Therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, medication, or another intervention may be appropriate.
Seeking help does not mean that you are incapable of changing on your own.
Sometimes it simply means that understanding the conflict requires a different perspective.
The experience of wanting two different things at once is deeply human.
One part of you may want security while another wants growth. One part may want immediate relief while another cares about long-term wellbeing.
That conflict does not automatically mean you are weak or unwilling to change.
It may mean that there is something important that has not yet been fully understood.
Motivational Enhancement Therapy approaches this conflict with curiosity rather than confrontation. Instead of asking, “How do I make this person change?”, it asks a more useful question:
“How can this person discover and strengthen their own reasons for change?”
Sometimes the first step toward changing a behaviour is not forcing yourself to stop.
It is understanding why a part of you still wants to continue.
And once that conflict becomes clearer, the possibility of meaningful change can become clearer too.
You do not always need more pressure to change.
Sometimes you need a safe space to understand the part of you that is hesitant—and to decide what you genuinely want your life to look like.
Ambivalence is not the absence of motivation. Sometimes, it is where motivation begins.